How to Reach a Time Warner Representative

This entry is a practical guide for all you New Yorkers out there, whether new to the city, or a long-tenured inhabitant.

Cable: the thorn in the side of all American citizens. You need it, because without it all you're looking at is channel 99 and Brooklyn Public Access. You want it, but you only have one, or *maybe* two choices of cable provider from which to choose. Meanwhile, chances are you got sweet-talked into some upsell, like cable phone, internet or DVR. Now you get to pay a monthly bill similar to the going rate for an hour with a hooker up in Hunts Point for 500 channels of dreck, none of which you use your DVR for. What are we watching? Reruns of Law & Order.

To add insult to injury, you can't ever reach customer service without a wait of about a 1/2 hour or so. And that was before they changed their phone contact system. Now the previously interminable wait has been compounded by an inscrutable phone tree, which is supposed to be all state of the art and shit with voice recognition software.

Indeed, it is not. To wit, my brother's battle with TWC on Saturday afternoon (TWC phone tree dialogue an approximation):

Phone: You have reached Time Warner Cable. We have made some changes to our phone tree to better serve you. How may we help you? Say Customer Service, Technical Support or Billing.
Buddy: Customer Service.
Phone: You would like to Request an Appointment?
Buddy: No. Customer Service.
Phone: You would like to Cancel an Appointment?
Buddy: No! Customer Service!
Phone: One moment please... You would like to Cancel an Appointment?
Buddy: NO! CUSTOMER SERVICE!
Phone: One moment please... You would like to Cancel an Appointment?
Buddy: COCK SUCKER!!!
Phone: One moment please... Transferring to Customer Service.

Now, if we could just get them to do their job.

The number is 718-358-0900. Tell 'em Cocksucker sent you.