I really don't think Alice is ever going to come back to the laundry. I will have to accept the fact that Lily will be forever my laundry matron, or at least until I leave my little hovel on the Upper East Side. And until I move - or die - every encounter with Lily will be an exercise in humiliation.
This morning's festival of embarrassment begins with what I thought was benign chit-chat about my family. Sitting at her counter facing out at sidewalk traffic all day, this woman misses nothing. Having spotted my mom and I coming and going from my apartment on Thursday and Monday, she inquired about our weekend. Now, the only reason I have any street cred with Lily is because of my mom (I'm way too lazy to recap - just click the hyperlinks if you want the Lily backstory). So I thought I was golden. Until the conversation then degenerated into a lecture about my love life.
Lily: You mom come up this weekend?
Me: Yep. Long weekend in Boston.
Lily: You go to Boston?
Me: Yep. Went up to visit my brother.
Lily: Oh that's nice! Then you mom come and spend time here?
Me: That's right.
Now I'm thinking she's going to give me a gold star for being #1 Daughter.
Lily: Your brother. He married?
Me: He's getting married next year.
Lily: Oh that's nice. You mom happy.
Me: Very happy.
Lily: How about you?
Me: I'm happy too.
Lily: No, you get married?
Me: Oh no, I haven't found the right guy yet.
Lily: You better get moving.
Me: Yes, you're right. (thinking: No shit, Sherlock.)
Lily: You brother older?
Me: No, I'm older.
Lily: 1 year?
Me: 5 years.
Lily: (throwing hands up in air) OH! You better buckle down and find a husband!
("buckle down" must be on one of her language tapes)
Me: (pasting on a smile) Yes, yes. I'm an Old Maid.
Lily: Old Maid! hee hee hee hee hee Old Maid!
I would like to think she was laughing at the term "Old Maid" more than calling me one, but one never knows with Lily. She's an enigma.
Me: Maybe you can set me up with one of your other customers.
Lily: Yes, yes. I work on it.
Me: Great. See you later.
And the saga continues.