Hey, *I* Know It’s Christmas.

It’s that time of year: try hard as you may, there’s no avoiding the sensory assault called Christmas music. And this is coming from someone who *likes* Christmas music. Unfortunately, however, there’s a massive difference between the delight of catching a pick-up jazz combo riffing on ‘Winter Wonderland’ in the Times Square Station and being forced to withstand Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ while shopping for socks at Target.

Speaking of shitty Christmas tunes, I’ve been unfortunate enough to have one lodged in my brain for over a week now: Bob Geldof and Midge Ure’s insipid ‘Do They Know it’s Christmas’. “But it’s a classic,” you say. My 15 year-old budding liberal, snootily progressive self would agree, but my 39 year-old self, the self whose 15 year-old self had no idea she’d be forced to withstand this song at least a billion times in the subsequent 25 years, begs to differ.

Since I first heard it two weeks ago at the café downstairs, over and over the song plays in my head, as if I’m perpetually on line at the Duane Reade. Every attempt to get it out of my mental loop fails miserably: iPods don’t work, humming different songs doesn’t work. I would have to exorcise it from my short term memory bank, if not for just this year. But how?

And then, while washing my coffee cup out this morning, I not only sang the song to myself, I started to analyze the lyrics. I got half a stanza into it when I figured out that the entire conceit is patently ridiculous. “I could tear this thing to shreds,” I thought, while scrubbing the lip gloss marks from the rim of my mug. That’s when it hit me: it’s only when we actively engage with an incessant song loop does it disappear from our brains. Here is my big chance rid myself the demon!

I present to you for your consideration:

Do They Know it’s Christmas

a rebuttal

It's Christmastime

(No shit.)

There's no need to be afraid

(Afraid of what? The Grinch? Pedophile Santas? There’s no need to be afraid of anything at Christmas, except maybe a faulty strand of Christmas lights buzzing you like a jumper cable or creating a bonfire out of your dried-out fir tree.)

At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade

(This is scientifically impossible if Christmas falls on a day with more than 50% sunlight. Even if it’s winter, you usually can count on some shade. Hell, Punxsutawney Phil always sees his goddamned shadow.)

And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy

Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime

(This would be a nice sentiment, if not for the 2/3 of the world population who don’t celebrate Christmas. Those people are a lot less keen on the idea of hugs and kisses in the name of a Jewish prophet, whose birth actually took place in June but moved to December by the Catholic Church in order to go mano-a-mano with the Pagan heretics celebrating the Winter Solstice. That’s not even touching the whole issue of “Santa.”)

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones

(I don’t make it a habit to practice any of the rituals associated with organized religion. Also: you’re not the boss of me.)

At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun

(That’s what she said.)

There's a world outside your window

And it's a world of dread and fear

(World poverty is shameful, but let’s remember there are a hell of a lot of starving people right here in the U.S.)

Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears

(Especially if they’re cutting onions, because holy shit, do my eyes water with the onion-cutting.)

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

(“Clanging chimes of doom”? Isn’t that laying it on a bit thick? What is this, a zombie movie?)

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

(Well, that’s a little crass, Geldof.)

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime

(One would normally think it doesn’t snow anywhere in Africa; in fact, it does, but mostly in South Africa. There are even a few small ski resorts in Morocco, and even the Sahara has seen a few flakes fall, albeit for 25 minutes in 1979. But there ain’t no snow in Ethiopia this Christmastime or any other time.)

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

(Oooh) Where nothing ever grows

(Erroneous. Why would agriculture be the root of Ethiopia’s economic base if nothing ever grew there? I would modify “ever” in this sentence with a more factual “in the past 18 months,” although they’ve had drought troubles before. That of 1984-1985 was compounded by the fact that the president wanted to spend money on defense [!?] rather than address the problem of feeding its starving, displaced citizens. So on that count, I could see where Geldof would want to increase media exposure to help out.)

No rain nor rivers flow

(This is the root of the problem. If you were writing an article about Ethiopia circa 1984, that would be your lede.)

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

(Not based on the Western calendar [see reference to Jesus’ true birth month above]. Although about half of Ethiopians are Christian, they observe the day on January 7. So arguably, they wouldn’t know it was Christmas unless they had familiarity with the cultural and religious norms of the western world.)

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone

(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun

(What?)

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

(See argument above)

Feed the world

(http://www.heifer.org)

Feed the world

(https://secure.unicefusa.org/)

Feed the world

(http://www.amnesty.org/)

Let them know it's Christmastime again

(What, airdrop a box of t-shirts misprinted with the World Series losers of 1993? – bonus points if you know which team that was – see above for more concrete ways of participating in ending world hunger, regardless of the time of year)

After all that media hoo-ha and the ensuing Live Aid concert [full disclosure: Sally attended], it’s interesting to note that famine scholar Alex de Waal argues that, "The humanitarian effort prolonged the war, and with it, human suffering,” although the citation comes from Wikipedia and the dude arguing the point has his own issues.

Also: this song is retarded.