My building is a little like Melrose Place, but not in a bad "Amanda is trying to kill me" way. It's more like we all are of similar temperaments and senses of humor and stuff, and we're all about the same age span (mid-thirties to mid-forties) and we all are very friendly and get along, which is NOT THE NORM for New York. It's not even the norm for Brooklyn.
Every year we have a couple building-wide shindigs: one for Halloween, a couple movies on the rooftop, July 4th, and Christmas. And because we're all so in love with how clever we all are, these shindigs don't only comprise standing around and drinking and eating assorted nibblies, but engaging in serious competition across a number of categories PER PARTY. Best ornament. Scariest pumpkin carving. Champion Christmas cookie. Dorkiest movie choice. We often tell stories that accompany our submissions and through that unabashedly pander to the lowest common denominator by spinning the most charming or tear-jerking yarn. One year at the Christmas party there was a multimedia presentation, I shit you not. This is the baseline we're working with, folks.
Sooooo, since we're all (1) completely aware of and familiar with all our eccentricities and the tacks we take in order to jockey to win, we bring in outside guests (judges) to help with the selection of winners. Often it's friends of building people. But lately there's been talk about pulling people off the street; specifically the smattering of celebrities that live in Brooklyn Heights. We have our pick of the following:
- Paul Giamatti
- Joe Lhota (late of the MTA)
- The Guy on The Wire (not a main character)
- Lena Dunham
- Jemima Kirke (I kid you not - they both live within a block of each other and of us, and Adam Driver goes to my gym)
- Ana Gasteyer (although she's closer to DUMBO)
- Nate Silver
I suspect a few might be curious enough to come. In fact, I think this is about how things would go down if we actually approached any of these people:
- Paul Giamatti - would come, then get a whiff of how competitive and weird we are and leave in a huff
- Joe Lhota (late of the MTA) - would send his regrets and ask for our vote
- The Guy on The Wire (not a main character) - would come and eat all the nibblies
- Jemima Kirke - would tell us to fuck off
- Bjork - would stare at the inviter like they just grew another head, then walk away
- Ana Gasteyer (although she's closer to DUMBO) - totally would come and have a ball
- Nate Silver - would come and be into it then write about how the judging was statistically biased
Then Lena Dunham would come and not be a judge, but introduce another entire category and win every last prize. We, the residents, would just sit there agog as she sweeps and leaves us in her dust.
And then we wouldn't ever have another party.